Fast Facts and Short Stories

Ok this is more or less just a list of random shit I meant to tell somebody...

 Things/ Customs/ Cultural stuff...
 In Thai your head is sacred and your feet are the dirtiest part of your body. So you never touch anyone's head or pick up anything with your feet, nor should you EVER point your feet at someone.

 Barter for everything, including rent and except food. Never barter for food, it's rude and basically translates into their food being worth less.

Don't step over things step around them. Things being under your feet= BAD.

95% of the toilets in Bangkok are not built to flush toilet paper. This includes the one in my apartment.

Short Stories...

A middle aged Italian man sat down across from me at Au Bon Pain where I grabbed a coffee waiting for my interview. He told me he was there for work, had come in today, and was planning to visit Pattaya then go to China. Having spent the last two weeks living in Pattaya, I know they offer a different type of tourism industry. He then invited me to come with him to Pattaya and the islands. Bitch I've seen Taken, 1 and 2, and I ain't going NOWHERE.  Anyways, the interview went really well and they offered me a second one at their branch in Fashion Island. The second interview with AUA also went well and they offered me the job the next day.

While shopping at the Thai equivalent of Walmart, but less cheap ( I accidentally spent $85 of a blanket), Karisa and I were looking at shoes when a group of Thai young teenage boys started yelling Yo at us. I think it means something different in Thai, but he kept pointing to my back and gesturing wildly. I realized he was talking about my tattoo and he started imitating a tattoo machine which was weird. Then he started doing more inappropriate gestures at least in English they were so we walked away. I am considering getting another tattoo although I have nowhere to put it, I want the experience of the famous bamboo style machine.

Condoms and Cabbages, Side Saddle Motorcycles, and a lot of other shit...

First, I apologize to those who hang on my every word waiting in suspense for an update on my life. Since I know that is virtually no one, I shall carry on. Let's begin with last Friday. We had our last day of teaching, which was awesome. We taught the Cupid Shuffle and Gangnam style. Then they taught us a Thai dance. One where we did a Conga line and danced around the room and another where we did these ridiculous dance moves to one of our students chanting. Then a karaoke machine was brought out of nowhere and the assistant director's husband sang some song called Linda that I hadn't heard of, followed by Tom Jones Sex Bomb....again, and then more Thai songs. Afterwards they fed us lunch of Pad Thai, Som Tam ( spicy papaya salad served over  blue crab), and Tom Yung Goong (shrimp soup) , which was spicy as hell. Wandee made us each massive bags of the cookies we like so we didn't worry about dessert. We danced so much, everyone was pouring sweat and then they all gave us a bunch of gifts, we gave them a fruit basket, and then we took a shit ton of pictures...like so...


After, that class we had our conferences, where we discussed our progress, etc. Then we got out certificates for TESOL and then they took us to dinner. Which was awesome. It was one of those Japanese conveyor belt sushi things, but the sushi was on the sides and the conveyor carries plates of raw food, so you can pick up noodles, wontons, bacon, chicken, etc and dump it in the boiling soup in the middle of your table and it all cooks. It's awesome. You pay by the hour and it was the company's gift to us, so I ate until I made myself sick...obviously.

 

       Afterwards, we took to the streets of Pattaya, where seedy takes its definition from. Went to some bars, got invited to a lot of Ping Pong shows ( which inadvertently has nothing to do with Ping Pong, it's literally women shooting objects, such as ping pong balls, out of their vagina.) I know this not because I went to one, but because the people on the street throw you menus of the items that you can see being catapulted out of the 'entertainers'. We ended up at a bar called Lucifer, which was fine until a bar girl/dancer, named Cookie, brought me up on stage with her to be oogled by Russians, which I will now be openly racist towards at least in South East Asia, I do not find myself favoring Russians. Aside from Cookie wearing a fedora, she was pretty cool.
      The next day, we caught the baht bus to the station ($2), then the real bus to Bangkok ($4) and a taxi to the hostel ($3). Not bad. The hostel was...a hostel. In my mind, just because a place isn't fostering armies of rats does not necessarily make it clean. The (receptionist) guy on the couch across from the front desk wearing a shirt that read 'Wake the Fuck Up' was neither friendly or unfriendly. Hostels are a weird concept. So we left and stayed out as late as we could to avoid spending any time there. First we looked for housing in Silom, that were all much more than what we could afford then we met up with our friend Russel and went to Condoms and Cabbages for dinner. A restaurant/organization that all the proceeds go to AIDS education, etc. There's mannequins covered in clothes made entirely out of condoms and birth control packets. They even had a Tiger Woods made out of condoms that said "Did you Wear one Tiger?" After that we grabbed a few drinks in downtown Silom which is the business district area. At 2am the cops came down the street and all the bars immediately started closing which was strange.

The next day we spent the entire day apartment hunting again. We went to Mo Chit and walked through a huge market place. We asked a woman where we could find an apartment and these two guys took us on their motos. It was like playing a video game with my life. There's nothing to hold on to and the boys are driving the opposite direction of the traffic on the sidewalk at no less than 40mph. After the adrenaline, we found nothing. Three our of four places said they were full and the fourth was weird as shit and our drivers tried to leave us there.Our last attempt was the end of the train line called the MRT. After getting lost in the taxi we got to the place and the owner who said we could come later that night was nowhere to be found. A tenant and her son, Felix, showed us around and translated for the house keeper while she showed us around. We called the owner and told her we were moving in the next day. The next day we caught a taxi and drove here. I hope you read this far because this is the most interesting thing in this whole blog post.

The owner of the apartment's name is Fun (pronounced like foon). We sit down in her office to draw up a contract. She sees our US passports and tells us how she likes American tenants. THEN she goes on to tell us how a previous American girl tenant had her Black American boyfriend come visit. When he came he apparently went up to her room and slit her throat. But she didn't die, she called the front desk for help. He also threw an American cigarette out the window lighting the neighbors house on fire. Because they hold all guests IDs and he smoked American cigarettes the apartment could give this information to the police. She then immediately asks us how we feel about the election and says, "I am an Obama fan, but I was surprised he won because I know Americans do not like Black people." There are always times, especially when abroad, that one should keep their mouth shut. This was one of those times. She went on to say how even though Americans don't like black people, her and her dad, who is an American citizen, both like Obama and they bought his T-shirts last election and bought them again this year. There really wasn't anywhere to take this conversation, so we just moved in. Despite, this incredibly weird introduction, Fun is actually a very nice woman I swear. The apartment is in Bang Sue set back kind of in an alley. I have a balcony that I can somewhat see a Bangkok skyline from, although technically I'm still in Bangkok. That said, you can drive 2.5 hours and still be in Bangkok. Anyways after moving in, we set out and went to Khal San Rd. The backpacker party scene. We mainly just ate dinner and wondered a little bit, but next weekend some Language Corps people are visiting again so I'm sure we will back and it's only $1 taxi ride away from our new place.

Today I had two interviews. One in Silom for Wallstreet, the company I've been dying to work for the other for a Language School in Mo Chit. I may possibly go to another one on Thursday. Both went fairly well, but the earliest I can start in Mo Chit is November 5th (the day rent is due) and Wallstreet I wouldn't start for almost another month. I'm extremely poor because I had to buy a bunch of apartment stuff so I'm not sure how long I can last without a tutoring freelance position. Also, if I work for the Language School, I will need to go to Laos to renew my visa. To get to the train station this morning I took a moto. As a result of not being able to wear my matching pants because I couldn't button them, I wouldn't risk straddling a motorcycle in my other dress pants. So I rode side saddle...which is scary as hell.

Because I can't start working anywhere immediately, I have been in contact with previous employers about private tutoring work. Her correspondence was hilarious so I'm going to copy and paste the email she sent me here:

"Pretty Kate...

I'm very glad to hear that you have got the good place to live.
I'll ask my friend for tutor their children.
if it's OK. Can I give your email for them to contact you directly.
So it's OK for English class on  Monday but you and Becca are beautiful
then 2 new teacher. Yeah...
Cheer..
Take you time..  "

In addition to the sender of that email, I received a call from one from the bar girls asking when I was coming back, and another just emailed me a picture of some flowers and sent me a picture she took of us at the bar...it's good to keep in touch.

It's been really nice to be able to unpack for the first time in a month. The new apartment is fully furnished with a queen size bed, A/C, a shower and a tub, a mini fridge and a stove top, a desk and chair, a closet and a balcony. Unfortunately, I can't hang anything on the walls, but there's a few large windows I'm going to tape shit on. I'll post pictures sometime next week once I am a little more organized.

Let's Get On It, or Is It In It?

What the fuck?

         Today was my last full lesson. I taught directions and made everyone direct one another blind folded through the classroom. Afterwards I taught my first successful grammar lesson with past and present tense. It was actually going quite well until one student asked, "Teacher, what is difference between 'at', 'in' and 'on'?" At this point my observer had come in and was sitting in the corner. My heart sank for a moment, but all I could do was laugh because I would have liked nothing more than to avoid that question. AVOID was a new vocab word of the day. So I try and explain the best I can just by giving examples. I tell her she can sit on the table, but she can't sit in it and I can sit in a chair, but if I tried to sit on it I may fall off. Simply put, to be in something means to be inside. One must be surrounded by it, so we sit in chairs. Thinking I can now walk away from this prepositional catastrophe , she says, "what about seats with no back or sides?" "You mean stools?" I ask. "Yes, stools" FUCK.  Stools are technically chairs but you can't sit in a stool, you have to sit on the stool. I explained this which really doesn't make any sense as to why this is the way English speakers speak, but I think by the end she probably understood it more than I did. Anyways, when the class ended more students who were going to be absent Friday brought us gifts. Today I got a picture frame from a student, Malai and we all got invited to lunch after class on Friday. After our Thai test today Charlie, Becca, and I all went and bought gifts for our students, our assistant director Wandee, and the Director. We put together a very large fruit basket, because you can't give alcohol, watches, shoes, or flowers ( not that watches or shoes were ever considered) then something special for the director and Wandee. Hopefully, they like it and I didn't write anything too offensive on our thank you cards. But we will find out tomorrow.

Me and Malai with her gift to me

"I sought trains; I found passengers"--Paul Theroux

Wandee and I

My cool new wallet from Wandee

  Today was our third to last day teaching. One of my students came in and gave me and the two other teachers, Charlie and Becca a gift from Chang Mai. The gifts were really cool they are little keychains of dolls. Once we walked downstairs, Wandee, the Assistant Director of the program and one of my students, also gave us each a personalized gift. It was so sweet. Becca got a necklace, Charlie got a scarf, and I got a  clutch type wallet that's super cute. I'm really sad to leave the students behind and I know a new group of teachers are coming in so I feel very defensive of my students well-being now. They bring us coffee and cookies every morning. Even these delicious homemade cookies that Wandee makes and she even gave me the recipe...in English. She keeps asking me where I am going after this and I would love to stay and teach them, but I'm not sure I would be allowed to anyways because now they have some type of thing with LanguageCorps. I will however, always keep that connection. Me, Charlie, and Becca are trying to work out what to give as gifts. Apparently, watches mean death and shoes are bad luck. Not that we'd give thirty students either of those things, but just so you know. Those are more cultural faux paux for the Chinese-Thai though.

My Chang Mai Doll

After teaching, I had my last Thai class and I have to say I still suck pretty bad, despite having an indecipherable dream in Thai. We have a test tomorrow, but  you only need %50 and its open book. Aside from all the paperwork I still need to catch up on, my one-on-one is done, ad lesson planning for Friday will pretty much be 90 minutes of games, singing, and dancing to Gangnam style which was requested by the students. Speaking of which it was the director's husband who requested it. Yesterday, he broke out into song starting off with a surprisingly good rendition of Tom Jones' Sex Bomb. Followed by something by the Beatles and then We Are The Champions by Queen. Fucking Awesome. That said all of my requirements for the course have to be done by Friday.
         
          Karisa and I did our lessons today with the bar girls and again we had a lot of fun. We went around five and obviously the bar wasn't too busy. That said, the girls gathered around us when we'd start teaching a particular student and most of the girls wanted to get involved. When potential customers would walk by outside, all the girls would turn maybe even yell out 'sexy man', but overall they seemed to be weighing their options and going with the English lesson which was pretty awesome. There is a huge variety of levels. The ladyboy, the tomboy (opposite of ladyboy) and the manager are probably the most fluent. I taught a girl I hadn't met yesterday whose name was Tong and although she could speak English, she told me she wanted to go to school and wanted to know everything. It seems odd, since she could speak but she couldn't really read and the words she knew she didn't exactly understand. For example, she had the days of the week and the months of the year written in a little notebook, but she didn't exactly understand what they meant. I find that is the hardest thing about beginners. To a native speaker something so simple beyond explanation needs to be explained and learning how to do that is really difficult. For example, one of the reasons Thai is so hard for me is because when I try and form sentences in my head I am constantly searching for silly English words that don't exist in Thai, like prepositions and auxiliaries aka all the random shit most native speakers never even think about. So when a student asks what the word 'to'  or 'although' means, how the fuck are you supposed to explain it. Meanwhile translating to Thai you leave out half the words so if I want to say "what is your name?"  it translates to "khun cheu mai ka" which says 'you name ?--speaker is female.The good thing is they don't really have possessives. There is no, you(plural), your, mine, ours, you're, their, etc.  which potentially makes the language less confusing to learn. The kicker is one word has one of any given 5 tones, so the word maa can mean 'to come', 'horse', or 'dog' depending on the tone in which you say it. There's also two more tones you can pronounce maa that don't mean anything at all. Language is kind of a bitch and now that I do so much modeling of everything all the time, I feel like everyone in the world should just learn sign language instead.

The Ohh La La Bar Girls

Anyways that being said, the bar girls have asked us to come back tomorrow, so hopefully we can bring some friends to help us.

I Smell like Fried Chicken and Prostitutes

       The second most common reason for English teachers getting fired is they smell bad. This is mainly tied to smoking cigarettes, but last night I definitely went to bed smelling like the fried chicken I'd bought off the street on the walk home and the prostitutes at the Oh La La Bar down in North Pattaya.
       As part of our certification requirement we have to teach a one-on-one lesson. Me and my friend Karisa decided we wanted to try and give our English lesson to some lady boys or prostitutes. However, after spending a few hours on Walking Street in and out of some of the seediest bars we could find, we eventually had to turn around. When our teacher asked us about our 1-on-1s we told him we couldn't find our target market. He responded, " well if you want to talk to prostitutes, I can take you to some. I have friends. We can go to North Pattaya." Obviously, we told him to take us.
The first bar we went to was a bust, the girl serving us was super shy and kind of said she didn't speak English, but eventually let on that she was 26, had a 2 and a 3 year old, and was separated from her former Thai husband who she called a butterfly, one who pollinates many flowers. We moved on to the next bar, where our teacher actually knew nearly all the staff that was working. We got a very warm greeting and talked to all the bar girls for over an hour. I spent a while talking to a ladyboy that I had no idea was a ladyboy until my teacher asked her if she'd had both operations (she clearly had her boobs done).This stuff seems like it'd all be really personal, but the bar culture is just so much more open. She told me she knew she was female when she was about 6 and that her family and friends and school all knew, but she couldn't wear make-up and women's clothes etc. until she finished high school. By the way if you're thinking these women are just like gross trannies, they aren't. This woman was gorgeous. She even had a twin that was also a ladyboy which I find so interesting. While talking, I asked her about the dried squid a vendor was selling. This stuff smells aweful, and I mentioned I didn't like it for the smell and ended up offending them. However, within the hour the bar manager, a gay man named Boi, came over and gave us one. At this point I'd talked shit about it and now I had to eat it. I can only describe it as a step past jerky and of a squid. I tried to wash in down with beer and it expanded in my mouth. The consistency was the chewiness of jerky and a shoe lace combined. At this point I felt I'd redeemed myself. After playing Karisa in the world's saddest game of pool, the girls invited us to come dance behind the bar and get on stage. At my teachers request (because he thinks it's hilarious) I taught all the women how to move it like Bernie and how to do the sprinkler move. IT WAS AWESOME. We asked them if we could come back the following day and give them a free English lesson and I'd throw in a dance lesson. They welcomed us back and are even going to make us dinner (hopefully not one of fried squid). It was a really awesome night and I'm very excited to go back tonight.

Holler, City of Squalor

                                              
Spent the past weekend in Bangkok. Fucking Awesome! Literally some of the most fun I've had in a while. Went with this girl Gabby, a LC alum visiting her friend, another LC alum, Russel. Got there Friday night and took it to the streets. The city is like NYC where there's a million different neighbor hoods that make up the city. We stayed in West Bangkok on Cal San. The two and a half hour taxi drive to Bangkok and back, plus a room for two for 2 days cost less than $50 USD total. Four of us from the group went. Ok so I'm just going to break this down into high lights or the most fucked up things. Starting with the most fucked up things. A lot of the bars there are open outdoor seating so basically plastic tables and chairs and you can take your drinks and wonder the street. So we're at this makeshift bar around midnight and all of the sudden two massive rats, like the size of large rabbits start fighting. Most disgusting thing I have ever seen. They literally would run and lunge at each other and then bounce off one another's stomachs. The sound and the vision of it has not left my mind since it happened. Then the owner started kicking them and faked kicking it towards us and everyone jumped up and ran away. I need you to understand these rats, they probably weigh at least five pounds and they are comparable to small cantaloupes .. plus they carry the plague. After that we went to a rooftop bar where the band was singing Adele and it was uhh not good. We went back to this more legit indoor outdoor bar and everyone was dancing in the streets and having an awesome time. We sat down and all the sudden Bad Romance came on and three lady boys stood up and broke out into the Lady Gaga dance. They were awesome and afterwards I went over to talk to them and one guy took his picture with every single person standing there. They were super fun. Soon afterwards Gangnam style came on and everyone got up and did the dance to it. Around 4am still out in the streets we decided  to get some of the street food that everyone rages about in Bangkok. I got some awesome Pad Thai that this guy made on the spot, had a nice chat with another street vendor, tried some spring rolls, and then met some British dudes named Peter and Paul and apparently didn't make one joke about Mary. Disappointing. Earlier that day me and Karissa got our nails done at this place near our hotel. Most meticulous manicure ever, we were there for hours and we practiced a lot of Thai with her. It must have been pretty weird cause we went over almost all of our vocab with her. Imagine being with someone whose practicing learning English and they just recite the words they know to you...AKA we just sat there being like 'mango, watermelon, fish, fried chicken, 1, 2, 3" Pretty weird of us, but she didn't complain.

                                                     >> That;s her...^^
      On Thursday night I applied for this job in Bangkok teaching Business English. They called me on Saturday to set up an interview. They wanted to do it as soon as possible, but I have to teach every day this week and training for the new employees starts this Friday. I have an interview with them on Tuesday, but they only do one training session a month which means since I can't interview this week, if I get the job my training won't be until November 1st and you only get paid at the end of the month so that means I still won't be getting paid until December 1st. This really sucks. I need to pick a place to look for housing this weekend so I can put down the deposit (3 months rent) before I spend it all. In the meantime, I can't go that long without income so as soon as I get there I will try and build some clientele for tutoring, because that starts at $20 an hour.

       I still have to fill my one-on-one teaching requirement so tomorrow Karisa and I are going to go to Boystown and find some ladyboys we can give free English lessons too. Should be fun. While walking through the market today we saw a food stand selling cooked crickets and cockroaches and beetles. I haven't tried any, but seeing how big the cockroaches are here it is no surprise someone could make a full meal out of one. After going through the market, we went with three other friends to the movies. This was after spending twenty minutes going the wrong direction on a Baht bus. We saw Taken 2, because what else would you want to see while being abroad. It was hilarious. Spoiler Alert: Liam Neeson has a gun pointed at him while pointing another gun at the same guy, and pulls out his cellphone to call him daughter to tell her "Your mother and I are going to be taken". The movie theater was the biggest one I've ever been in and you get assigned seats. Before the movie starts there is a salute to the King, where everyone must stand and they play the anthem while playing a movie montage of the kings life. It was really interesting. Anyways, tomorrow I'm teaching families and the home. Haven't finished lesson planning and it's past 1am so we'll see about that.

Journey to the Land of Smiles

          So I taught my first class today completely unprepared and ended up being the staff of what I kind of think may be some type of assisted living. Me and two other friends were each supposed to teach a hour and a half, but when we got there they said they wanted  us to all just teach the first class. We thought it went really well and were all super excited when we got out and then we asked our observer how she thought we did she goes "yah, it was not good" literally did not say another word. Now I really understand losing face because she took face from all of us when she did that. So that completely changed the mood of all of us and we were just kind of pissed at her for the next 3 hours until we asked her what was not good at which point she just said our warmer took too long, but that we did good. Now I'm even more confused, but I will have a smaller class tomorrow and I have an idea of what my students know, who they are and what they want to know. The students are awesome they are 20-40s and they are mostly women, super chatty, really fun. Tomorrow we're teaching markets, then food on Wednesday, then recipes and cooking Thursday, then restaurants on Friday. So I get to talk about food ALL week, which is fucking awesome. Thai people are OBSESSED with food...which is also awesome.

           My apartment in Pattaya is large. I have a bathroom, AC, an electric stove stop, a microwave, and a fridge with a freezer (which now has Twix in it). There's ants everywhere here, including my room, but they are nearly microscopic and I have to force myself not to think about them. I thought the days here would be easier than the 9 hour straight days of training, but they aren't. We leave at 9:20 start teaching at 10 and we teach 90 minutes, ( separately tomorrow...or so we think). We have a break for lunch which did not exist today and then  we have Thai language lessons for two hours and an other ninety minutes of class for lesson planning. The days are long and exhausting, but hopefully they get better and I'm already teaching business English since I am teaching the staff...kind of. Spent the previous weekend at the beach in Sihanoukville and the last days in Phnom Penh were pretty crazy. I drunkenly ate an entire frog while handed to me on a skewer at a beer garden. Just to be clear it was not a bullfrog or anything it was probably 3/4 the size of my pinky finger in length. When at the beach, we went to seafood BBQ which included prawns, squid, and Barracuda, which was phenomenal. It came with garlic bread and a baked potato. That and 3 pina coladas and a sex on the beach cost $10 USD. All the restaurants had seating on the beach. When we left the group split up into our destination countries it was really sad because we've all become friends, but the plus is we'll all have places to stay in those other countries.

   
 The trip to Thailand probably took somewhere around 8 hours total, but we all slept. Infrastructure here is way better. Roads are smooth and there are much less animals in the street that can be as easily assumed dead as they can be assumed sleeping. Much more finished buildings, and less beggars.Also a lot less street kids. Apparently the Thai government gives money to the public schools to hire foreign teachers so they pay fairly close to what the private school pays. I'm going to Bangkok this weekend to try and get an interview for this company that supplies teachers to private companies to train their employees in English. I hadn't seen myself living in Bangkok, but I really want this job so we'll see what happens. Wish me luck, and I will keep you updated on my losing face blunders and whatever else may come my way.